Okay, just out of total curiosity, hsa anyone else ever felt like a sextoy?  Right now I kinda do, and I'm not sure why.  Its not that I'm not getting regular attention, but it feels like for some stupid reason, I get more when someone decides he's horny.  Spose that's kinda a normal thing tho, when a guy gets it up, he usually pays more attention to the female who can help him with that condition... dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting right now... half the time I feel neglected and the other half like I'm a toy... stupid hormoney things... hate them!

And now, on top of that, I've got some dork who keeps hittin on me..  Yay me, I'm a dork magnet again....  I just want to run and hide every time he comes around... he talks all lovey to me and he hardly even knows me... he once told me I should dress more like a real girl and less like a goth because I'm "prettier that way".... Who the hell is he to tell me how to dress?!  And I LIKE my gothy look... I LIKE looking all vampy... and I LOVE the attention it gets me from the people who're either intrigued or afraid of me because of my clothing.  Its greatly amusing!  I guess some people just can't appreciate my love for the darker side of things... yet another boy who thinks he can "change" me... go figure... probably another little catholic boy who thinks if he helps the evil heathen girl that he'll get a better spot in heaven or something.... silly boys   I'm not necessarily evil, but I'm a witchy girl who likes to look at the darker side of things   Funny how people think just cuz I dress in dark colors and wear dark make-up that I'm all evil n shit.... Sometimes their ignorance amuses me greatly...

What else can I go all ranty on?  OOH!  I got a new fishy tank... now we have two... a nice big ten gallon and a nice lil five gallon.  We gots lotsa fishies... well, kinda anyhow.  We have two baby Black Mollies that I was given for free by the pet store in the 5 gallon tank, and we have 4 Dwarf Gouramis, 3 Painted Tetras, a nice big snail, a Chinese Algea Eater, and an Albino Cory in the 10.  They all used to be in the five, but it was too small for all of them to be in together and the water got all gross and cloudy a week or so after I cleaned it, which happened about every week n a half or so cuz I just couldn't let those poor things live in that icky water.  It would be cruel, and we all know I can't be cruel to any animal... hell, I even like Snakes and Lizards... the only one I have no problem squishing is most bugs cuz.. well, they're bugs!  Evil things that like to bite me... Spiders being the worst... I get chills just thinking about that big ugly tarantula Ash had when I lived with him out in Michigan.

Speaking of that boy from Michigan.... I really wish he'd just return my phone calls already and stop being all pig-headed.  It seems like ever since he found out I was engaged, he totally ignores me.  Or maybe all his fingers are broke or he got total amnesia to the point that he doesn't know how to use a telephone anymore.  Whatever the case may be, I wish he'd just call me back so I could find out what in the hell he wants so I can get him outta my dreams.... he shows up, purposely, at least twice a night, every night... I'm tired of it!  I'll be in the middle of a nice dream dealing with someone like Steven Tyler *yum* or some other equally nice person to be around, and there he is.. taking over whoever I happened to be talking to or doing whatever with and he just STARES... like hardcore, burn holes into you STARES... most of you reading this know what I mean.  I mean it was always intense if he would stare at me before, but this is getting ridiculous.  I don't know what the hell to do about this whole thing since he refuses to speak in the dreams... every time I try talking to him there, he covers my mouth and shakes his head at me, then just continues staring at me like a freaking dork...  I dunno, I guess I'm really lookin for advice on this one.. anyone with even a little idea of what's goin on, I would greatly appreciate the input, cuz I'm outta ideas here... starting to go a lil more bonkers than usual.  And with the current state of things, I can't afford to go much more outta my head than I already am.

On the bright side, I'm listening to some old Aerosmith, so that makes me a lil better, cuz I love his voice and I can just lose myself in the music.  Don't know what else to do with myself lately, so I've been letting myself escape more and more into my books and music... it keeps me from having total breakdowns over all the crap that's been going on.

A girl I knew in highschool died in a car accident, and the girl driving is still in ICU in a drug induced coma.. they were both 16 years old.  On top of that, I miss Feelie... so wishing he were here right now, cuz he'd have just the right thing to say about the whole Ash mess.  He always knew just what to say.  And on the other hand, I miss my Rob, cuz even though he's not gone like Rich, he's not around much anymore either.  He was always able to make me feel better about anything.  I'd just e-mail him, but by the time he got back to me a month or two later, things would have either stopped or progressed so very much that what he had to say wouldn't be of much help at that time.  I dunno, I guess its just one of those things you can't really help.  I miss so many people right now cuz they've either passed on to the next world or they're so far away I can't contact them easily.  So, I've felt like I've been on my own for quite some time now.  Right now, I could be alone in a room of 1000 people.... and probably never be noticed sitting in my own little corner rocking myself back and forth trying not to bawl from the stress of everything that's crashing in on me right now.  It seems noone sees the me that is dealing with all this crap at once, they only see the flimsy front I put up when I'm in public.  Cuz if they don't see through the front, they don't have to deal with the real person underneath it.  Most everyone around me here besides Corey and my mother don't want to look past the shield to see the emotional, stressed out, needy person I feel like right now.  And sometimes I don't even let them see it because I know they can't help me.  I love them both, but there's nothing they can do about the situations I'm facing.  So if anyone has any ideas, I'd really love to hear them, cuz I don't know what to do anymore.... other than just start banging my head against something hard til I slip into beautiful unconsciousness for a lil while.... which probably wouldn't be a good idea, cuz then everyone would get all worried about me n shit, and I don't want that either....

Gonna stop bitchin for now y'all, I'm sure you've all had enough lol... Gimme some input?

Tina